Aspiration, Achievement, Adrenaline Addiction and "A"s
I have to begin by confessing that my mother made clear to all three of her daughters that love was earned as a reward for accomplishment--not given out simply for being alive.
Wait-For-Me and I bought mother's teaching without question, I fear. Both of us have worked hard for assorted certificates and to get "A"s on anything in life that could be interpreted even remotely as an exam. Our-Baby (yes, she's in her fifties but she'll always be Our-Baby to us) rejected mother's teachings and spent her entire life insisting on her right to be without accomplishment even if/when failure to accomplish cut off her nose to spite her own face.
The world rewards aspiration and achievement and grades of "A" as a general rule. Less obvious is the reward inherent in living in active war zones and other situations that allow you to have adrenaline addiction. The element in common is that you get to feel alive. If you aspire, you are alive as long as you haven't accomplished your aspiration. If you achieve, you are alive if only for a short period of celebration. If you are an adrenaline addict, any situation that encourages the adrenaline to flow will enable you to feel alive even if your life is actually in danger.
On the other hand, when you have struggled and struggled and suddenly there is no struggle left, you have to live in the humdrum mundane universe of daily life. Who could want that? It is as if you lived your whole life climbing mountains only to find yourself at the top of the mountain having reached a high plain with nothing but boring flat land visible in all directions.
The problem is that when you have no particular aspiration in the moment...when you are not confronted by "tests" that need to be aced...when there is nothing major to achieve...when you are not in a war zone...when there is no battle to wage...then you feel nothing. Accomplishment completed, war won, can leave you empty in a way nothing else can. And that is unbearable.
Wait-For-Me and I bought mother's teaching without question, I fear. Both of us have worked hard for assorted certificates and to get "A"s on anything in life that could be interpreted even remotely as an exam. Our-Baby (yes, she's in her fifties but she'll always be Our-Baby to us) rejected mother's teachings and spent her entire life insisting on her right to be without accomplishment even if/when failure to accomplish cut off her nose to spite her own face.
The world rewards aspiration and achievement and grades of "A" as a general rule. Less obvious is the reward inherent in living in active war zones and other situations that allow you to have adrenaline addiction. The element in common is that you get to feel alive. If you aspire, you are alive as long as you haven't accomplished your aspiration. If you achieve, you are alive if only for a short period of celebration. If you are an adrenaline addict, any situation that encourages the adrenaline to flow will enable you to feel alive even if your life is actually in danger.
On the other hand, when you have struggled and struggled and suddenly there is no struggle left, you have to live in the humdrum mundane universe of daily life. Who could want that? It is as if you lived your whole life climbing mountains only to find yourself at the top of the mountain having reached a high plain with nothing but boring flat land visible in all directions.
The problem is that when you have no particular aspiration in the moment...when you are not confronted by "tests" that need to be aced...when there is nothing major to achieve...when you are not in a war zone...when there is no battle to wage...then you feel nothing. Accomplishment completed, war won, can leave you empty in a way nothing else can. And that is unbearable.
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